need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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