I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize