3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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