I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
You can't motorboat a personality
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
