Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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