What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
