singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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