you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
