just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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