She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize