I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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