Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
