I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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