You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I think I won the penis lottery.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
