I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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