I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.