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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.