Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you