Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm getting married
To pizza
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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