He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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