Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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