Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Randomize
