I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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