Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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