There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
