please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
