my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
