I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
