I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
