Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
