ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
