I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
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I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
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You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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