We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
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you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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