I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
