I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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