Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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