You work out of a Hotel?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
