you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
