Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
