What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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