I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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