The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
