i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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