I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
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I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
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Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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