I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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