is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
