I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
