At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
