I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
