I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
