you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My dick has a subreddit
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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