Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
