I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize