Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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