youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
