mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
