i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We need a shit load of segways right now
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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